Mother's Day is tomorrow. I'll post on social media how much I love my mom and wish all the women out there a blessed day.
Inside...inside I'll be crying, again. Mom...a short, but impactful word. A word spoken around the world in so many languages. A word that I'll never hear directed my way by any child.
I have no children. I don't even know if I can or can't have children...never tried as I'm one of those throwbacks that won't have sex or babies till I'm married. And since, at the age of 42, no one has ever loved me enough to marry me...the possibility of children is slim.
Oh, I know I can adopt on my own. Heck, people tell me to go to a sperm bank and do it on my own. But why? Why would I ever want to bring a child into this world deliberately as a single mom? No father figure? ALL the struggles by myself? No thanks.
So, here I sit crying because no one seems to think to recognize people like myself on a day like Mother's Day. Who am I kidding? I didn't even get recognized for administrative assistant day or teacher appreciation day.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Christmas as a Single person
I'm 41 years old.
Never married.
No kids.
It is expected by my family that I come to them for the holidays.
I have never created family traditions for the Christmas Season. As children we had traditions. However, as my sisters and I grew up they were given families and created new traditions to share with their children. I have no specific traditions.
I have no children or husband to spoil.
I know that the Christmas season is meant to recognize a tiny, baby boy who was born over 2,000 years ago to grow into a man who would die for my sins. I rejoice that I am loved by God. That He loves me so much that He would die for my sins. That He would take my sins one by one as they were nailed into His hands and feet...I am forever grateful.
But Christmas is hard on a personal level. I'm trying to get out of this rut that every day, every holiday, every situation is lonely...but it's hard.
Day after day I give it over to God.
Never married.
No kids.
It is expected by my family that I come to them for the holidays.
I have never created family traditions for the Christmas Season. As children we had traditions. However, as my sisters and I grew up they were given families and created new traditions to share with their children. I have no specific traditions.
I have no children or husband to spoil.
I know that the Christmas season is meant to recognize a tiny, baby boy who was born over 2,000 years ago to grow into a man who would die for my sins. I rejoice that I am loved by God. That He loves me so much that He would die for my sins. That He would take my sins one by one as they were nailed into His hands and feet...I am forever grateful.
But Christmas is hard on a personal level. I'm trying to get out of this rut that every day, every holiday, every situation is lonely...but it's hard.
Day after day I give it over to God.
Sunday, November 08, 2015
Unrealistic Expectations
I understand that life is a fairytale romance.
I understand that life is not a romance novel.
There are no perfect endings.
There are no perfect men or perfect relationships.
Yet....every girl wants that fairytale romance. They want prince charming to come sweeping in and romancing them.
Yes, even this girl, at the ripe old age of 41 wants to see my prince. I want to be swept off of my feet. I want to feel loved and protected. I want to cuddle at night. I want to fight uncontrollably yet make up passionately. I want a ministry partner.
However, I pray that God takes the unrealistic expectations away from my heart. It's too painful to continue thinking I'll ever have the perfect ending.
I understand that life is not a romance novel.
There are no perfect endings.
There are no perfect men or perfect relationships.
Yet....every girl wants that fairytale romance. They want prince charming to come sweeping in and romancing them.
Yes, even this girl, at the ripe old age of 41 wants to see my prince. I want to be swept off of my feet. I want to feel loved and protected. I want to cuddle at night. I want to fight uncontrollably yet make up passionately. I want a ministry partner.
However, I pray that God takes the unrealistic expectations away from my heart. It's too painful to continue thinking I'll ever have the perfect ending.
Sunday, November 01, 2015
My Story
My pastor has been preaching a series on My Story. The four parts of the series are:
What disciplines do you need to start today? What disciplines do you need to stop today? Where is it better to stay when it would be easier to go. And where is it better to go when it would be easier to stay?
The decisions we make today determine the choices we make tomorrow! Do you have a dream that God has given you? A decision crossroad that you have come to in your life? A relationship that needs to be fought for or even left (I know that leaving relationships seems weird to say, but honestly, there are some times in life that they are more toxic than healthy). What is it that God is asking you to do?
It's hard being just me...
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed making all the decisions for my life. There is no spouse or boyfriend helping make decisions. All financial decisions are mine. All career decisions are mine. All of life's crossroad decisions are mine. Emergencies happen, they are mine. Day to day, small, seemingly unimportant decisions are mine.
Yet, they are mine with the help of ever present Savior! All these seemingly overwhelming decisions, crossroads, four-way stops (whatever you want to call them)...aren't so overwhelming when you walk hand in hand with Jesus Christ!
What is the story that God is calling, giving, declaring, offering YOU?
Start
Stop
Stay
Go
What disciplines do you need to start today? What disciplines do you need to stop today? Where is it better to stay when it would be easier to go. And where is it better to go when it would be easier to stay?
The decisions we make today determine the choices we make tomorrow! Do you have a dream that God has given you? A decision crossroad that you have come to in your life? A relationship that needs to be fought for or even left (I know that leaving relationships seems weird to say, but honestly, there are some times in life that they are more toxic than healthy). What is it that God is asking you to do?
It's hard being just me...
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed making all the decisions for my life. There is no spouse or boyfriend helping make decisions. All financial decisions are mine. All career decisions are mine. All of life's crossroad decisions are mine. Emergencies happen, they are mine. Day to day, small, seemingly unimportant decisions are mine.
Yet, they are mine with the help of ever present Savior! All these seemingly overwhelming decisions, crossroads, four-way stops (whatever you want to call them)...aren't so overwhelming when you walk hand in hand with Jesus Christ!
What is the story that God is calling, giving, declaring, offering YOU?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Transitions
I'm taking the biggest step out of my comfort zone and moving from Puyallup, WA to Canton, TX in just two months!
A few months ago I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and telling me to go! Go and support the pastor and community of Canton Foursquare Church. Not that strange since the pastor in question is one of my best friends. But to actually say I'm going and to do it? That's a different story. Telling my pastor that I was leaving was nerve wracking...I was worried that he and others would think my move was foolish. That I was moving for the wrong reasons. That I shouldn't be going. Ultimately I was fearful that I wasn't hearing the Voice of God on my own.
Flash forward to now...it's good. I'm moving. People are excited for me. God opened a major door and provided me with a new job months BEFORE I'm moving. I get to teach high school history...my dream job really. Confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.
Yesterday, I posted that I am very peaceful (yet a wee bit scared and nervous still) about my upcoming move. I am.
Yet....
I sit here on my couch crying. I'm scared. I'm almost afraid to admit that I'm scared.
The move is an adventure.
I'm scared that I won't have anyone. I'll only know three or four people. I'm used to knowing EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.
I'm feeling insecure about my role in the new church. Am I going to be looked at as an outsider coming in? Am I going to be accepted?
I'm scared that I'll no longer have my support system.
I'm afraid of losing my best girl friends that I can call and talk to and any time of day...I'll still have that, but won't be able to see them.
So, I sit here and cry some more. I admit it...I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I'm a bit fearful. God says not to be so I'm trying to bring it all to His throne room and lay it at His feet. It's hard to let go.
A few months ago I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and telling me to go! Go and support the pastor and community of Canton Foursquare Church. Not that strange since the pastor in question is one of my best friends. But to actually say I'm going and to do it? That's a different story. Telling my pastor that I was leaving was nerve wracking...I was worried that he and others would think my move was foolish. That I was moving for the wrong reasons. That I shouldn't be going. Ultimately I was fearful that I wasn't hearing the Voice of God on my own.
Flash forward to now...it's good. I'm moving. People are excited for me. God opened a major door and provided me with a new job months BEFORE I'm moving. I get to teach high school history...my dream job really. Confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.
Yesterday, I posted that I am very peaceful (yet a wee bit scared and nervous still) about my upcoming move. I am.
Yet....
I sit here on my couch crying. I'm scared. I'm almost afraid to admit that I'm scared.
The move is an adventure.
I'm scared that I won't have anyone. I'll only know three or four people. I'm used to knowing EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.
I'm feeling insecure about my role in the new church. Am I going to be looked at as an outsider coming in? Am I going to be accepted?
I'm scared that I'll no longer have my support system.
I'm afraid of losing my best girl friends that I can call and talk to and any time of day...I'll still have that, but won't be able to see them.
So, I sit here and cry some more. I admit it...I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I'm a bit fearful. God says not to be so I'm trying to bring it all to His throne room and lay it at His feet. It's hard to let go.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
hurting
As I went about my day today shopping, cheering on one of my youth kids, checking facebook and what not I think I finally realized that the things I want most in life are never going to happen.
There is no perfect man for me.
There are no children in my future.
I look around my empty apartment and think that this is the extent of my life and I don't think anything is going to change.
Yes, my life is filled with friends. Yes, my life is filled with kids.
However, I'm lonely. I want more. I want to experience that once in a lifetime love for another person and be loved in return. I want to experience carrying a child.
On the heels of this realization my words go up to God..."Why?"
and then I think, "why do I always ask why?"
Am I ever going to have an answer? Or do I simply need to be ok with the lot in life that I have? What have I done wrong?
I have no answers. Hell, I don't even have anyone who truly understands what I'm going through except for God and He is sharing His ideas with me.
There is no perfect man for me.
There are no children in my future.
I look around my empty apartment and think that this is the extent of my life and I don't think anything is going to change.
Yes, my life is filled with friends. Yes, my life is filled with kids.
However, I'm lonely. I want more. I want to experience that once in a lifetime love for another person and be loved in return. I want to experience carrying a child.
On the heels of this realization my words go up to God..."Why?"
and then I think, "why do I always ask why?"
Am I ever going to have an answer? Or do I simply need to be ok with the lot in life that I have? What have I done wrong?
I have no answers. Hell, I don't even have anyone who truly understands what I'm going through except for God and He is sharing His ideas with me.
Moving On
Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? Do people look at you funny and think that there must be something more going on then just friendship?
Has that best friend ever moved away?
That's where I'm at right now...
My best friend is moving on Monday and even though I've known about this move for months and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is the best decision for him I'm struggling because well, my best friend is moving away. No longer will he be around to chat with. No more Saturdays spent watching sports on my TV! No more dinners out. No more face-to-face convos.
I know we are still friends. I know he tells me nothing will change.
Yet...
I'm not sure I believe him. I'm not sure that the texts, the phone calls and what not will slowly fade away. I know these thoughts come out of my own damn insecurity. I guess I'm just hurting and unsure where we go from here.
Has that best friend ever moved away?
That's where I'm at right now...
My best friend is moving on Monday and even though I've known about this move for months and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is the best decision for him I'm struggling because well, my best friend is moving away. No longer will he be around to chat with. No more Saturdays spent watching sports on my TV! No more dinners out. No more face-to-face convos.
I know we are still friends. I know he tells me nothing will change.
Yet...
I'm not sure I believe him. I'm not sure that the texts, the phone calls and what not will slowly fade away. I know these thoughts come out of my own damn insecurity. I guess I'm just hurting and unsure where we go from here.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
A little help please
So I feel fairly confident that this blog really isn't read anymore by anyone that knows me as blogging is kind of a thing of the past...who needs to blog when you can update in real time on Facebook and Twitter! I don't want to take the time to physically journal right now and I need some way to express myself, so here it is...a letter to God!
Lord,
I'm so confused as to why this year has been a year of utter, down to the bone hurt and devastation. While it hasn't been physical pain the emotional turmoil that I've gone through the last seven months is getting to be a bit more than I can handle. I know that you must be preparing me to minister to others out of my hurt and you are watching to see how I handle the pain (not very well I don't think), but still...I'm confused as to why me? And why just devastating heart break. The situation that happened in January and again this week has laid me out to the point that I would say I was suffering from depression...crying for days on end, laying on the couch, constant thoughts of negativity running through my head and the over hanging question that I ask all the time: WHY?
Why am I alone?
Why am I so lonely?
Why can't I seem to shake these feelings of insecurity?
Why am I always forgotten?
Why am I the last to be called?
Why haven't you given me the desires of my heart like you promise in your word?
Why do I have to be this intense person that people consider to be a bitch?
Why do people not see that I have more emotions than they think...and they get hurt quite often?
Why? Why? Why?
I walk into my door every night just hoping that some secret fairy came by and that someone is waiting in my house for me. Stupid, right? I have dreams of being part of the cool group or even just part of the group that goes out for lunch after church on Sunday...without me having to hang around like a lost puppy looking for attention. I think, today will be the day that something will change. Today will be the day I meet someone.
Today will be the day that everything turns around.
It doesn't happen.
I go to bed crying.
Overanalyzing.
Worrying.
Wondering how to make people like me.
Hoping I haven't lost my best friend.
I know all the right things to say.
I know what Christian brothers and sisters will say to me (hello, I've been hearing it for 20 years now), but how do I truly understand those truths between my head and my heart? I want to...no, I need to.
I cry out to God.
I simply cry.
I listen to worship music to get my spirit in a better place.
I still cry.
Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me knows that I serve a God who does truly love me and truly wants to have relationship with me. He absolutely wants to give me the desires of my heart for husband, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs, the whole shebang. God has been blessing me from all directions in my life and I ask forgiveness for not being appreciative of the blessings that are coming and focusing on the blessings that I think are necessary.
Things I'm asking for now...
My broken heart to be mended
A spirit of grace for others going through the same situations
A spirit to recognize others going through the same pain
Peace from the worries, the anxieties and all the stress that overwhelms me
A new indwelling of the Holy Spirit
Courage
Boldness
Mercy
A love for God like I've never had before
The ability to say No
The ability to recognize rebellion and sin in my life
An identity in Christ not myself or others
A release of my feelings for that one
This song sums up what I need right now...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
Lord,
I'm so confused as to why this year has been a year of utter, down to the bone hurt and devastation. While it hasn't been physical pain the emotional turmoil that I've gone through the last seven months is getting to be a bit more than I can handle. I know that you must be preparing me to minister to others out of my hurt and you are watching to see how I handle the pain (not very well I don't think), but still...I'm confused as to why me? And why just devastating heart break. The situation that happened in January and again this week has laid me out to the point that I would say I was suffering from depression...crying for days on end, laying on the couch, constant thoughts of negativity running through my head and the over hanging question that I ask all the time: WHY?
Why am I alone?
Why am I so lonely?
Why can't I seem to shake these feelings of insecurity?
Why am I always forgotten?
Why am I the last to be called?
Why haven't you given me the desires of my heart like you promise in your word?
Why do I have to be this intense person that people consider to be a bitch?
Why do people not see that I have more emotions than they think...and they get hurt quite often?
Why? Why? Why?
I walk into my door every night just hoping that some secret fairy came by and that someone is waiting in my house for me. Stupid, right? I have dreams of being part of the cool group or even just part of the group that goes out for lunch after church on Sunday...without me having to hang around like a lost puppy looking for attention. I think, today will be the day that something will change. Today will be the day I meet someone.
Today will be the day that everything turns around.
It doesn't happen.
I go to bed crying.
Overanalyzing.
Worrying.
Wondering how to make people like me.
Hoping I haven't lost my best friend.
I know all the right things to say.
I know what Christian brothers and sisters will say to me (hello, I've been hearing it for 20 years now), but how do I truly understand those truths between my head and my heart? I want to...no, I need to.
I cry out to God.
I simply cry.
I listen to worship music to get my spirit in a better place.
I still cry.
Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me knows that I serve a God who does truly love me and truly wants to have relationship with me. He absolutely wants to give me the desires of my heart for husband, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs, the whole shebang. God has been blessing me from all directions in my life and I ask forgiveness for not being appreciative of the blessings that are coming and focusing on the blessings that I think are necessary.
Things I'm asking for now...
My broken heart to be mended
A spirit of grace for others going through the same situations
A spirit to recognize others going through the same pain
Peace from the worries, the anxieties and all the stress that overwhelms me
A new indwelling of the Holy Spirit
Courage
Boldness
Mercy
A love for God like I've never had before
The ability to say No
The ability to recognize rebellion and sin in my life
An identity in Christ not myself or others
A release of my feelings for that one
This song sums up what I need right now...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)