Transitions

I'm taking the biggest step out of my comfort zone and moving from Puyallup, WA to Canton, TX in just two months!

A few months ago I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and telling me to go!  Go and support the pastor and community of Canton Foursquare Church.  Not that strange since the pastor in question is one of my best friends.  But to actually say I'm going and to do it?  That's a different story.  Telling my pastor that I was leaving was nerve wracking...I was worried that he and others would think my move was foolish.  That I was moving for the wrong reasons.  That I shouldn't be going.  Ultimately I was fearful that I wasn't hearing the Voice of God on my own. 

Flash forward to now...it's good.  I'm moving.  People are excited for me.  God opened a major door and provided me with a new job months BEFORE I'm moving.  I get to teach high school history...my dream job really.  Confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

Yesterday, I posted that I am very peaceful (yet a wee bit scared and nervous still) about my upcoming move.  I am.

Yet....

I sit here on my couch crying.  I'm scared.  I'm almost afraid to admit that I'm scared. 

The move is an adventure.

I'm scared that I won't have anyone.  I'll only know three or four people.  I'm used to knowing EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. 

I'm feeling insecure about my role in the new church.  Am I going to be looked at as an outsider coming in?  Am I going to be accepted?

I'm scared that I'll no longer have my support system.

I'm afraid of losing my best girl friends that I can call and talk to and any time of day...I'll still have that, but won't be able to see them.

So, I sit here and cry some more.  I admit it...I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I'm a bit fearful.  God says not to be so I'm trying to bring it all to His throne room and lay it at His feet.  It's hard to let go. 

hurting

As I went about my day today shopping, cheering on one of my youth kids, checking facebook and what not I think I finally realized that the things I want most in life are never going to happen.

There is no perfect man for me.

There are no children in my future.

I look around my empty apartment and think that this is the extent of my life and I don't think anything is going to change.

Yes, my life is filled with friends.  Yes, my life is filled with kids. 

However, I'm lonely.  I want more.  I want to experience that once in a lifetime love for another person and be loved in return.  I want to experience carrying a child.

On the heels of this realization my words go up to God..."Why?"

and then I think, "why do I always ask why?"

Am I ever going to have an answer?  Or do I simply need to be ok with the lot in life that I have?  What have I done wrong? 

I have no answers.  Hell, I don't even have anyone who truly understands what I'm going through except for God and He is sharing His ideas with me.

Moving On

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?  Do people look at you funny and think that there must be something more going on then just friendship?

Has that best friend ever moved away?

That's where I'm at right now...

My best friend is moving on Monday and even though I've known about this move for months and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is the best decision for him I'm struggling because well, my best friend is moving away.  No longer will he be around to chat with.  No more Saturdays spent watching sports on my TV!  No more dinners out.  No more face-to-face convos. 

I know we are still friends.  I know he tells me nothing will change.

Yet...

I'm not sure I believe him.  I'm not sure that the texts, the phone calls and what not will slowly fade away.  I know these thoughts come out of my own damn insecurity.  I guess I'm just hurting and unsure where we go from here. 

A little help please

So I feel fairly confident that this blog really isn't read anymore by anyone that knows me as blogging is kind of a thing of the past...who needs to blog when you can update in real time on Facebook and Twitter!  I don't want to take the time to physically journal right now and I need some way to express myself, so here it is...a letter to God!

Lord,

I'm so confused as to why this year has been a year of utter, down to the bone hurt and devastation.  While it hasn't been physical pain the emotional turmoil that I've gone through the last seven months is getting to be a bit more than I can handle.  I know that you must be preparing me to minister to others out of my hurt and you are watching to see how I handle the pain (not very well I don't think), but still...I'm confused as to why me?  And why just devastating heart break.  The situation that happened in January and again this week has laid me out to the point that I would say I was suffering from depression...crying for days on end, laying on the couch, constant thoughts of negativity running through my head and the over hanging question that I ask all the time: WHY?

Why am I alone?

Why am I so lonely?

Why can't I seem to shake these feelings of insecurity?

Why am I always forgotten?

Why am I the last to be called?

Why haven't you given me the desires of my heart like you promise in your word?

Why do I have to be this intense person that people consider to be a bitch?

Why do people not see that I have more emotions than they think...and they get hurt quite often?

Why?  Why?  Why?

I walk into my door every night just hoping that some secret fairy came by and that someone is waiting in my house for me.  Stupid, right?  I have dreams of being part of the cool group or even just part of the group that goes out for lunch after church on Sunday...without me having to hang around like a lost puppy looking for attention.  I think, today will be the day that something will change.  Today will be the day I meet someone. 

Today will be the day that everything turns around.

It doesn't happen.

I go to bed crying.

Overanalyzing.

Worrying.

Wondering how to make people like me.

Hoping I haven't lost my best friend.

I know all the right things to say. 

I know what Christian brothers and sisters will say to me (hello, I've been hearing it for 20 years now), but how do I truly understand those truths between my head and my heart?  I want to...no, I need to.

I cry out to God.

I simply cry.

I listen to worship music to get my spirit in a better place.

I still cry.

Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me knows that I serve a God who does truly love me and truly wants to have relationship with me.  He absolutely wants to give me the desires of my heart for husband, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs, the whole shebang.  God has been blessing me from all directions in my life and I ask forgiveness for not being appreciative of the blessings that are coming and focusing on the blessings that I think are necessary. 

Things I'm asking for now...

My broken heart to be mended

A spirit of grace for others going through the same situations

A spirit to recognize others going through the same pain

Peace from the worries, the anxieties and all the stress that overwhelms me

A new indwelling of the Holy Spirit

Courage

Boldness

Mercy

A love for God like I've never had before

The ability to say No

The ability to recognize rebellion and sin in my life

An identity in Christ not myself or others

A release of my feelings for that one

This song sums up what I need right now...

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Sochi 2014

 YEAH!!

 

It's time for the Winter Olympics!

 

This year we are watching from Sochi, Russia!  I loved watching the Opening Ceremony last night and seeing all the proud men and women representing their countries last night during the Parade of Nations!

 

Rooting for the USA to win Gold in everything they can!

 

Going to Ghana!

This September I have the opportunity to travel to Ghana, Africa along with the others in this team picture.  We will be leaving August 31st...three of us will be staying for two weeks while the two young men in front will be staying for two months!

We will be going to Ghana to lead crusades for the young men and women of the area.  I personally will be getting the opportunity to lead the teaching portion of our trip.  In all honesty, I'm not quite sure what that will all entail at this point; however, I am super excited to be working out the details! 

If you stumble across this blog and feel an affinity to myself and the rest of my team would you consider supporting me on my endeavor?  I need to raise $5500 for this trip and I am believing that God will bring people into my life to help fulfill this financial obligation.  I need to have $2000 raised before April 1st in order to cover the cost of my airfare. 

If you'd like to help contribute please email me at rachelannmac@Hotmail.com. 

More important than finances is the covering of prayer that is needed to see this trip come to its God given fruition!

Thank you and Many Blessings!

Rachel Ann

Boyfriend Material

I Want!

I want him!

 

This is my absolutely, hands down, most favorite singer right now. 

 

He's a bad boy!

He's rockin' country!

He's hot!

 

Eric Church where have you been all my life?

Rant and Rave

Living alone, one doesn't have another person to rant and rave to; however, there is social media like twitter and Facebook.  The problem being is that I hate those that are evasive or vague in their status updates and I'm not one to go off on others via Twitter.  Yet, I want to just speak my mind freely and without judgment.  How do you survive when you can't just let loose? 

The fortunate thing for me, at this point in time, is that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore so here I go....

1.  This is a rant against myself for believing in lies and strongholds of the enemy.  As a Christian I know that God has given me dreams, desires and the oomph to go in certain directions.  The problem is that I've been praying for a relationship and a full-time job for years...it seems like forever and yet nothing is happening on the home front.  I know I am doing all the right things...I pray, I read my Bible and I feel like I am doing exactly what God wants me to do!!  However, how do you make yourself not feel like a major failure?  How do you stand secure in the promises that God has given you?  How do you not let frustrations and insecurities get the better of you.  I do so well for months and months then I emotionally, verbally vomit on someone close to me. Such a messy situation...I just gotta figure out how to overcome this!  Suggestions?  Is there some invisible person out there that can answer my questions?  I've seriously been considering seeing a Christian counselor, but would they really do for me?

2.  This next rant is against people.  I think I've figured out why I'm ok with being by myself!  It's so much easier than dealing with the hemming, hawing and misinterpretations of what you say.  I try to do nice by people and tend to come out looking awful.  They either think I'm off my rocker, a complete bitch or they just completely misconstrue everything I say.  I admit, I'm in an awkward spot in my life.  I think I can do everything on my own and don't like to share work because I feel like I can just get it done right by myself.  Yet, on the other hand, I don't like sharing work because that's how I bury my insecurities....how can I hide if I don't have anything to hide behind?  I think I'll stay on my couch with a good book.

3.  The next rant is against every stinkin' school district that I've interviewed with over the last five years!  What is wrong with me that you won't hire me?  Do I stink when I come in and interview?  Is my skirt stuck in my pantyhose?  Do I have boogers hanging out my nose?  Why oh why do you not hire me?  It's been five long years since I first received my teaching certification.  At this point I should be applying for permanent residency and yet my certificate hasn't even expired yet seeing as how I've never taught somewhere full-time.  Do I look somewhere else?  Do I go to another state, again as I did a few years ago?  Do I start a new career?  I've talked with someone about a possible career change; however, is it the right thing to do?

So I wonder if anyone will see this and actually take the time to read it.  With my luck people I don't want to read this will somehow find it and I'll have to explain myself; I just need a place to let loose!  :)

The real question right now is am I really going to hit "publish"?  Do I publish and then just bury my posts with some pictures and such with Seahawks pictures because we are going to the SUPERBOWL!!

Oh I had this post written about pity parties, temper tantrums and insecurities; however, I think I just needed to write it out to get some of my frustrations out.  They definitely weren't words for the whole wide internet world to hear!

Instead?

Love God, Love People and Love Life!

Getting to Know God

Last night at youth group one of my girls was mentioning how she wasn't able to sit and write her blog posts...she LOVES to write about Jesus!

It got me thinking today that I love to write about my Jesus too...and I have the perfect opportunity right here.  I don't know who will read or if anyone will read; however, I am going to try and take the opportunity to share more about Jesus.

The last few months have been an uphill, downhill and back uphill kind of life.  I was told no on some things like buying my house and I still haven't landed a full-time teaching job; however, I know that God's perfect timing is in place!

For me personally, the last few months has been about exploring new giftings from the Lord.  I am in my WORD daily and allowing God to work in me and through me like never before and as a result I believe that God is letting new spiritual giftsto come to the forefront of my life.  It is a bit scary at times, but mostly it is exciting to see how God is going to use me.  The gifting I'm seeing is that of a seer or someone who sees visions.  I'm seeing it be very active as I read my word and I'm faithful to respond when the Holy Spirit says to share with someone specific.  Honestly, it is a bit unnerving to see how God is going to use me, but oh so exciting to be a part of the Kingdom and what He is doing in my community.

Busy, busy, busy

I know that not many read this blog anymore, but occasionally I still like to post about life and how things are going!!

I have been going about 150 mph since school started in September, and I haven't even landed a full-time teaching position yet.  I started the year with a long-term, 5-week sub position at one of the high schools.  Sadly, I finish this job on Friday and I will dearly miss all the kids and my para-staff.  I have been in a high needs special education classroom where I have kids that are in wheelchairs, some are autistic and some are very highly functioning, and all are super fantastic. I've been in this classroom before so it was easy to come in and start the year with them.  Besides, I have some super awesome women who work in this class and they make all the difference in the world...way to go Kathy, Jacki, Jenny, Laura, and Marcelina!!!

I am starting a 3.5 month long-term position in a week teaching 6th grade LA and Social Studies, which is my endorsement area so I am looking forward to teaching a subject that I am really qualified to teach!  It is going to be a bit of a shift from high school special needs to sixth graders. 

I am still praying and holding firm to the calling God gave me to be a full-time teacher.  Sometimes I still get discouraged that I started my fourth year of teaching this fall without landing a full-time position.  However, God has been so faithful to provide for my every need...these long-term positions are surely a testament to His faithfulness.  And I am blessed to know that I have made an impact on the lives of hundreds of students over the last three years.  I still believe that He has the perfect position for me and that my prayers for a full-time job will be answered.

There are moments though that at age 38 (which just happened a few weeks ago) I don't feel adequate or worthy of God's blessing.  I'm sure that there are people of every age that feel this way; however, God doesn't want you to EVER feel as if you don't deserve all the blessing He can pour out over you.  I see God's blessing in so many aspects of my life and I feel overwhelmed that He has chosen ME!!!  He provided a job this summer that paid bills until I got paid for teaching this fall (in fact, I have been able to keep this job throughout the school year by working on Saturdays and I think I'll be able to work during Christmas break!!  The extra money is actually paying for me to go on vacation during Spring Break!), He provided me with long-term positions from the very first day of school this year.  He has provided me with an awesome church family and He has blessed me with a house.

Due to a change in housing situation I have searching for a place to rent come Novemberish, and all the places I have been looking at are running pretty high and then you have to add in utilities and such.  So I decided to take a leap of faith and see if I would qualify to buy a home.  I meet with my friend who is a real estate agent and then meet with a mortgage broker just about three weeks ago to discuss my options.  I was nervous and fearful about the situation...I honestly thought he would just laugh once he looked at my financial situation.  BUT NO!!!  He determined that I would qualify for a home loan.  Flash forward to this last weekend and we went and looked at four houses...I feel in LOVE with the second one I saw.  Bids were due by Monday night and by Tuesday I was told "Congratulations, Your bid was accepted"!  I signed initial paperwork today and sent them overnight to start the ball rolling!

I AM BUYING A HOUSE!!

How crazy is that?  I honestly didn't think it would go this fast but I prayed going in, "Lord, they will be done.  If you want me to purchase a home open the door (and windows) of opportunity!"  And by golly He has...in a BIG way!  It hasn't sunk in yet and I am still feeling as if I just stepped over the thresh hold of adulthood.  What is it about buying a home that makes a person feel as if they are finally a true member of the adulthood club.  So weird....I know!  I know it isn't an easy road as a homeowner.  I know that it will have its ups and downs and I am more financially responsible then ever before...I know that I will need to find some roommates for the first few years....I know that there will days I will cry and days that I will over analyze ever step I've taken and wonder if I made the right decision.  But I will NEVER question whether I am worthy enough or adequate enough to receive this special BLESSING, because I know that God loves me, watches out for me and loves to pour out blessings on His children.  I stand here with open arms simply saying, "Thank You Abba Father!"

Las Vegas

 The first weekend of June I got to go to Las Vegas with my Mom, 80 year-old Grandma, Aunt and Uncle.  Mom and Grandma were just passing through on their way to visit my sisters in Idaho Falls and meet up with my Aunt and Uncle for the weekend.  I decided to tag along for the ride!

Mom!

 The ceiling down on Fremont Street!  What an amazing experience!

 Me, Grandma Pat, Mom, Aunt Helen and Uncle Dave!

 Grandma Pat had a few dollars to spend and did well for awhile, but in the end lost it all (psstt...me too!)

 My dream in Vegas is to see Elvis!  However, the only Elvis' I saw were these three Mexican Elvis impersonators...who I think might have been tipping the bottle back a bit if you know what I mean!

 When in Vegas you see the most random things...this guy was hanging out at Caesar's Palace in his bathrobe!  I sure hope he had skivvies on under there! 

 At the Bellagio...Going on a hot air balloon ride is on my bucket list!

 Lunch at the Paris Casino!

Mom and Auntie Helen!

Fun times were had and you know what they say..."What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas!"

New Babies

My family has been growing by leaps and bounds over the last few months...in other words, my sisters have been busy!!  

This beautiful lady is Angelina Rose born on May 14th, born to my baby sister Camille and her husband Joe.  She joins big sisters Dajia and Elliana!  I've been told that she is going to be called Annie!
Isn't she precious? 

This handsome little man is Jonathan Arthur and he was born on March 19 to my other sister Shannon and her husband Ernie.  He has four big sisters and three big brothers...I'm sure he'll be well cared for!

My Favorite Song Right Now

What an amazing voice!  She deserved all the Grammies she won tonight!

Anti-Valentine?

Possibly...just possibly I am anti-Valentine's Day!  

Really, is there any good thing about Valentine's Day if you are single?

Just sayin'!

Rooftops

Here I am before you
Falling in love and seeking your truth
Knowing that your perfect grace
Has brought me to this place
Because of you I freely live
My life to you, oh God, I give

So I stand before You God
I lift my voice because you set me free

So I shout out your name from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am Yours, I am yours

All the good You've done for me
I lift up my hand up hand for all to see
You're the only one
Who brings me to my knees
To share this love across the earth
The beauty of Your Holy Word

So I kneel before You God
I lift my hands because you set me free

So I shout out your name from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am Yours, I am Yours

All that I am I place into Your loving hands
And I am Yours, I am Yours

Here I am, I stand with arms wide open
To the one, the Son, the everlasting God

Throw in the Towel...

Do you ever wish you could throw the towel in on this thing called life?  Just buck it all and join the circus; run away to a deserted island; or simply hide out in a strange city where no one knows you?

A bit drastic I know...but sometimes, like now, I just want to run away!

I'm tired of hearing, "No thank you!  You need more experience for this job."

I'm tired of seeing more bills than income.

I'm tired of being single and childless.

I'm tired of snow causing me to have no work.

I'm tired of dreams seeming to not come true.

I'm tired of life sometimes.

I'm the Queen of "It's ok..life goes on!"  And I know it does.

So what do I do? 

"Stick out my chin and grin and say, 'Tomorrow, tomorrow...the sun'll come out tomorrow!'"

No, even though I love that philosophy, I put out my hands and ask for the Lord to come and fill me, guide me and direct me.  I pray for a different door or window to be opened.  I pray for understanding, mercy and grace.  I pray that I have a better attitude.

I praise the Lord for good and bad times and I ask to be taught a lesson in the midst of everything I go through. I give Him all the glory!  I know that He is doing a good work in me!  I know that He NEVER leaves me nor forsakes me and when I am hurting the most He is carrying me in His arms!

December in Review

 Of course, the season can't start without posting a letter to Santa!  Elly and I went to Macy's over Thanksgiving weekend and wrote all the things she wanted.  The most important was a PINK BARBIE HORSE!

 Cheese!  This girl is hilarious!  I love her!

 This is Dink!  You might also call her Jocelyn....we celebrated her 2nd birthday over Thanksgiving as well!

 I took a day to decorate my house for Christmas...look carefully...what do you see at the top of the tree?  

Of course, it is a TOP HAT! 

 Team Switzer and I went to Bellevue for a day for some shopping, dinner and a visit to Snow Flake Lane.  The inside of the mall was beautiful!

 Part of Snow Flake Lane was the drummers playing and the snowing falling right at 7 o'clock pm!

 We love celebrating all holidays, so we celebrated Chanukah one night.  We, meaning Carter and Elly, lit the menorah and Holly read the commentary that went with!

 We also played the Draydel and guess who won?  

Oh yeah, the Lady who wore the "Lucky Shirt"...I took the whole shebang!

Christmas morning was spent down at my Mom's house!  My Grandma Pat was down here with us as well...love these women!

This is me!

Age 37

December 28, 2011

2011 was a good year, not the greatest, but good!

I'm looking forward to 2012 and seeing what God has in store for me!