Lord,
I'm so confused as to why this year has been a year of utter, down to the bone hurt and devastation. While it hasn't been physical pain the emotional turmoil that I've gone through the last seven months is getting to be a bit more than I can handle. I know that you must be preparing me to minister to others out of my hurt and you are watching to see how I handle the pain (not very well I don't think), but still...I'm confused as to why me? And why just devastating heart break. The situation that happened in January and again this week has laid me out to the point that I would say I was suffering from depression...crying for days on end, laying on the couch, constant thoughts of negativity running through my head and the over hanging question that I ask all the time: WHY?
Why am I alone?
Why am I so lonely?
Why can't I seem to shake these feelings of insecurity?
Why am I always forgotten?
Why am I the last to be called?
Why haven't you given me the desires of my heart like you promise in your word?
Why do I have to be this intense person that people consider to be a bitch?
Why do people not see that I have more emotions than they think...and they get hurt quite often?
Why? Why? Why?
I walk into my door every night just hoping that some secret fairy came by and that someone is waiting in my house for me. Stupid, right? I have dreams of being part of the cool group or even just part of the group that goes out for lunch after church on Sunday...without me having to hang around like a lost puppy looking for attention. I think, today will be the day that something will change. Today will be the day I meet someone.
Today will be the day that everything turns around.
It doesn't happen.
I go to bed crying.
Overanalyzing.
Worrying.
Wondering how to make people like me.
Hoping I haven't lost my best friend.
I know all the right things to say.
I know what Christian brothers and sisters will say to me (hello, I've been hearing it for 20 years now), but how do I truly understand those truths between my head and my heart? I want to...no, I need to.
I cry out to God.
I simply cry.
I listen to worship music to get my spirit in a better place.
I still cry.
Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me knows that I serve a God who does truly love me and truly wants to have relationship with me. He absolutely wants to give me the desires of my heart for husband, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs, the whole shebang. God has been blessing me from all directions in my life and I ask forgiveness for not being appreciative of the blessings that are coming and focusing on the blessings that I think are necessary.
Things I'm asking for now...
My broken heart to be mended
A spirit of grace for others going through the same situations
A spirit to recognize others going through the same pain
Peace from the worries, the anxieties and all the stress that overwhelms me
A new indwelling of the Holy Spirit
Courage
Boldness
Mercy
A love for God like I've never had before
The ability to say No
The ability to recognize rebellion and sin in my life
An identity in Christ not myself or others
A release of my feelings for that one
This song sums up what I need right now...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
