hurting

As I went about my day today shopping, cheering on one of my youth kids, checking facebook and what not I think I finally realized that the things I want most in life are never going to happen.

There is no perfect man for me.

There are no children in my future.

I look around my empty apartment and think that this is the extent of my life and I don't think anything is going to change.

Yes, my life is filled with friends.  Yes, my life is filled with kids. 

However, I'm lonely.  I want more.  I want to experience that once in a lifetime love for another person and be loved in return.  I want to experience carrying a child.

On the heels of this realization my words go up to God..."Why?"

and then I think, "why do I always ask why?"

Am I ever going to have an answer?  Or do I simply need to be ok with the lot in life that I have?  What have I done wrong? 

I have no answers.  Hell, I don't even have anyone who truly understands what I'm going through except for God and He is sharing His ideas with me.

Moving On

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?  Do people look at you funny and think that there must be something more going on then just friendship?

Has that best friend ever moved away?

That's where I'm at right now...

My best friend is moving on Monday and even though I've known about this move for months and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is the best decision for him I'm struggling because well, my best friend is moving away.  No longer will he be around to chat with.  No more Saturdays spent watching sports on my TV!  No more dinners out.  No more face-to-face convos. 

I know we are still friends.  I know he tells me nothing will change.

Yet...

I'm not sure I believe him.  I'm not sure that the texts, the phone calls and what not will slowly fade away.  I know these thoughts come out of my own damn insecurity.  I guess I'm just hurting and unsure where we go from here.