As I went about my day today shopping, cheering on one of my youth kids, checking facebook and what not I think I finally realized that the things I want most in life are never going to happen.
There is no perfect man for me.
There are no children in my future.
I look around my empty apartment and think that this is the extent of my life and I don't think anything is going to change.
Yes, my life is filled with friends. Yes, my life is filled with kids.
However, I'm lonely. I want more. I want to experience that once in a lifetime love for another person and be loved in return. I want to experience carrying a child.
On the heels of this realization my words go up to God..."Why?"
and then I think, "why do I always ask why?"
Am I ever going to have an answer? Or do I simply need to be ok with the lot in life that I have? What have I done wrong?
I have no answers. Hell, I don't even have anyone who truly understands what I'm going through except for God and He is sharing His ideas with me.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Moving On
Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? Do people look at you funny and think that there must be something more going on then just friendship?
Has that best friend ever moved away?
That's where I'm at right now...
My best friend is moving on Monday and even though I've known about this move for months and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is the best decision for him I'm struggling because well, my best friend is moving away. No longer will he be around to chat with. No more Saturdays spent watching sports on my TV! No more dinners out. No more face-to-face convos.
I know we are still friends. I know he tells me nothing will change.
Yet...
I'm not sure I believe him. I'm not sure that the texts, the phone calls and what not will slowly fade away. I know these thoughts come out of my own damn insecurity. I guess I'm just hurting and unsure where we go from here.
Has that best friend ever moved away?
That's where I'm at right now...
My best friend is moving on Monday and even though I've known about this move for months and I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is the best decision for him I'm struggling because well, my best friend is moving away. No longer will he be around to chat with. No more Saturdays spent watching sports on my TV! No more dinners out. No more face-to-face convos.
I know we are still friends. I know he tells me nothing will change.
Yet...
I'm not sure I believe him. I'm not sure that the texts, the phone calls and what not will slowly fade away. I know these thoughts come out of my own damn insecurity. I guess I'm just hurting and unsure where we go from here.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
A little help please
So I feel fairly confident that this blog really isn't read anymore by anyone that knows me as blogging is kind of a thing of the past...who needs to blog when you can update in real time on Facebook and Twitter! I don't want to take the time to physically journal right now and I need some way to express myself, so here it is...a letter to God!
Lord,
I'm so confused as to why this year has been a year of utter, down to the bone hurt and devastation. While it hasn't been physical pain the emotional turmoil that I've gone through the last seven months is getting to be a bit more than I can handle. I know that you must be preparing me to minister to others out of my hurt and you are watching to see how I handle the pain (not very well I don't think), but still...I'm confused as to why me? And why just devastating heart break. The situation that happened in January and again this week has laid me out to the point that I would say I was suffering from depression...crying for days on end, laying on the couch, constant thoughts of negativity running through my head and the over hanging question that I ask all the time: WHY?
Why am I alone?
Why am I so lonely?
Why can't I seem to shake these feelings of insecurity?
Why am I always forgotten?
Why am I the last to be called?
Why haven't you given me the desires of my heart like you promise in your word?
Why do I have to be this intense person that people consider to be a bitch?
Why do people not see that I have more emotions than they think...and they get hurt quite often?
Why? Why? Why?
I walk into my door every night just hoping that some secret fairy came by and that someone is waiting in my house for me. Stupid, right? I have dreams of being part of the cool group or even just part of the group that goes out for lunch after church on Sunday...without me having to hang around like a lost puppy looking for attention. I think, today will be the day that something will change. Today will be the day I meet someone.
Today will be the day that everything turns around.
It doesn't happen.
I go to bed crying.
Overanalyzing.
Worrying.
Wondering how to make people like me.
Hoping I haven't lost my best friend.
I know all the right things to say.
I know what Christian brothers and sisters will say to me (hello, I've been hearing it for 20 years now), but how do I truly understand those truths between my head and my heart? I want to...no, I need to.
I cry out to God.
I simply cry.
I listen to worship music to get my spirit in a better place.
I still cry.
Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me knows that I serve a God who does truly love me and truly wants to have relationship with me. He absolutely wants to give me the desires of my heart for husband, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs, the whole shebang. God has been blessing me from all directions in my life and I ask forgiveness for not being appreciative of the blessings that are coming and focusing on the blessings that I think are necessary.
Things I'm asking for now...
My broken heart to be mended
A spirit of grace for others going through the same situations
A spirit to recognize others going through the same pain
Peace from the worries, the anxieties and all the stress that overwhelms me
A new indwelling of the Holy Spirit
Courage
Boldness
Mercy
A love for God like I've never had before
The ability to say No
The ability to recognize rebellion and sin in my life
An identity in Christ not myself or others
A release of my feelings for that one
This song sums up what I need right now...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
Lord,
I'm so confused as to why this year has been a year of utter, down to the bone hurt and devastation. While it hasn't been physical pain the emotional turmoil that I've gone through the last seven months is getting to be a bit more than I can handle. I know that you must be preparing me to minister to others out of my hurt and you are watching to see how I handle the pain (not very well I don't think), but still...I'm confused as to why me? And why just devastating heart break. The situation that happened in January and again this week has laid me out to the point that I would say I was suffering from depression...crying for days on end, laying on the couch, constant thoughts of negativity running through my head and the over hanging question that I ask all the time: WHY?
Why am I alone?
Why am I so lonely?
Why can't I seem to shake these feelings of insecurity?
Why am I always forgotten?
Why am I the last to be called?
Why haven't you given me the desires of my heart like you promise in your word?
Why do I have to be this intense person that people consider to be a bitch?
Why do people not see that I have more emotions than they think...and they get hurt quite often?
Why? Why? Why?
I walk into my door every night just hoping that some secret fairy came by and that someone is waiting in my house for me. Stupid, right? I have dreams of being part of the cool group or even just part of the group that goes out for lunch after church on Sunday...without me having to hang around like a lost puppy looking for attention. I think, today will be the day that something will change. Today will be the day I meet someone.
Today will be the day that everything turns around.
It doesn't happen.
I go to bed crying.
Overanalyzing.
Worrying.
Wondering how to make people like me.
Hoping I haven't lost my best friend.
I know all the right things to say.
I know what Christian brothers and sisters will say to me (hello, I've been hearing it for 20 years now), but how do I truly understand those truths between my head and my heart? I want to...no, I need to.
I cry out to God.
I simply cry.
I listen to worship music to get my spirit in a better place.
I still cry.
Yet, somewhere deep down inside of me knows that I serve a God who does truly love me and truly wants to have relationship with me. He absolutely wants to give me the desires of my heart for husband, kids, the white picket fence in the suburbs, the whole shebang. God has been blessing me from all directions in my life and I ask forgiveness for not being appreciative of the blessings that are coming and focusing on the blessings that I think are necessary.
Things I'm asking for now...
My broken heart to be mended
A spirit of grace for others going through the same situations
A spirit to recognize others going through the same pain
Peace from the worries, the anxieties and all the stress that overwhelms me
A new indwelling of the Holy Spirit
Courage
Boldness
Mercy
A love for God like I've never had before
The ability to say No
The ability to recognize rebellion and sin in my life
An identity in Christ not myself or others
A release of my feelings for that one
This song sums up what I need right now...
"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
Saturday, February 08, 2014
Sochi 2014
YEAH!!
It's time for the Winter Olympics!
This year we are watching from Sochi, Russia! I loved watching the Opening Ceremony last night and seeing all the proud men and women representing their countries last night during the Parade of Nations!
Rooting for the USA to win Gold in everything they can!
Thursday, February 06, 2014
Going to Ghana!
We will be going to Ghana to lead crusades for the young men and women of the area. I personally will be getting the opportunity to lead the teaching portion of our trip. In all honesty, I'm not quite sure what that will all entail at this point; however, I am super excited to be working out the details!
If you stumble across this blog and feel an affinity to myself and the rest of my team would you consider supporting me on my endeavor? I need to raise $5500 for this trip and I am believing that God will bring people into my life to help fulfill this financial obligation. I need to have $2000 raised before April 1st in order to cover the cost of my airfare.
If you'd like to help contribute please email me at rachelannmac@Hotmail.com.
More important than finances is the covering of prayer that is needed to see this trip come to its God given fruition!
Thank you and Many Blessings!
Rachel Ann
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
I Want!
I want him!
This is my absolutely, hands down, most favorite singer right now.
He's a bad boy!
He's rockin' country!
He's hot!
Eric Church where have you been all my life?
Rant and Rave
Living alone, one doesn't have another person to rant and rave to; however, there is social media like twitter and Facebook. The problem being is that I hate those that are evasive or vague in their status updates and I'm not one to go off on others via Twitter. Yet, I want to just speak my mind freely and without judgment. How do you survive when you can't just let loose?
The fortunate thing for me, at this point in time, is that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore so here I go....
1. This is a rant against myself for believing in lies and strongholds of the enemy. As a Christian I know that God has given me dreams, desires and the oomph to go in certain directions. The problem is that I've been praying for a relationship and a full-time job for years...it seems like forever and yet nothing is happening on the home front. I know I am doing all the right things...I pray, I read my Bible and I feel like I am doing exactly what God wants me to do!! However, how do you make yourself not feel like a major failure? How do you stand secure in the promises that God has given you? How do you not let frustrations and insecurities get the better of you. I do so well for months and months then I emotionally, verbally vomit on someone close to me. Such a messy situation...I just gotta figure out how to overcome this! Suggestions? Is there some invisible person out there that can answer my questions? I've seriously been considering seeing a Christian counselor, but would they really do for me?
2. This next rant is against people. I think I've figured out why I'm ok with being by myself! It's so much easier than dealing with the hemming, hawing and misinterpretations of what you say. I try to do nice by people and tend to come out looking awful. They either think I'm off my rocker, a complete bitch or they just completely misconstrue everything I say. I admit, I'm in an awkward spot in my life. I think I can do everything on my own and don't like to share work because I feel like I can just get it done right by myself. Yet, on the other hand, I don't like sharing work because that's how I bury my insecurities....how can I hide if I don't have anything to hide behind? I think I'll stay on my couch with a good book.
3. The next rant is against every stinkin' school district that I've interviewed with over the last five years! What is wrong with me that you won't hire me? Do I stink when I come in and interview? Is my skirt stuck in my pantyhose? Do I have boogers hanging out my nose? Why oh why do you not hire me? It's been five long years since I first received my teaching certification. At this point I should be applying for permanent residency and yet my certificate hasn't even expired yet seeing as how I've never taught somewhere full-time. Do I look somewhere else? Do I go to another state, again as I did a few years ago? Do I start a new career? I've talked with someone about a possible career change; however, is it the right thing to do?
So I wonder if anyone will see this and actually take the time to read it. With my luck people I don't want to read this will somehow find it and I'll have to explain myself; I just need a place to let loose! :)
The real question right now is am I really going to hit "publish"? Do I publish and then just bury my posts with some pictures and such with Seahawks pictures because we are going to the SUPERBOWL!!
The fortunate thing for me, at this point in time, is that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore so here I go....
1. This is a rant against myself for believing in lies and strongholds of the enemy. As a Christian I know that God has given me dreams, desires and the oomph to go in certain directions. The problem is that I've been praying for a relationship and a full-time job for years...it seems like forever and yet nothing is happening on the home front. I know I am doing all the right things...I pray, I read my Bible and I feel like I am doing exactly what God wants me to do!! However, how do you make yourself not feel like a major failure? How do you stand secure in the promises that God has given you? How do you not let frustrations and insecurities get the better of you. I do so well for months and months then I emotionally, verbally vomit on someone close to me. Such a messy situation...I just gotta figure out how to overcome this! Suggestions? Is there some invisible person out there that can answer my questions? I've seriously been considering seeing a Christian counselor, but would they really do for me?
2. This next rant is against people. I think I've figured out why I'm ok with being by myself! It's so much easier than dealing with the hemming, hawing and misinterpretations of what you say. I try to do nice by people and tend to come out looking awful. They either think I'm off my rocker, a complete bitch or they just completely misconstrue everything I say. I admit, I'm in an awkward spot in my life. I think I can do everything on my own and don't like to share work because I feel like I can just get it done right by myself. Yet, on the other hand, I don't like sharing work because that's how I bury my insecurities....how can I hide if I don't have anything to hide behind? I think I'll stay on my couch with a good book.
3. The next rant is against every stinkin' school district that I've interviewed with over the last five years! What is wrong with me that you won't hire me? Do I stink when I come in and interview? Is my skirt stuck in my pantyhose? Do I have boogers hanging out my nose? Why oh why do you not hire me? It's been five long years since I first received my teaching certification. At this point I should be applying for permanent residency and yet my certificate hasn't even expired yet seeing as how I've never taught somewhere full-time. Do I look somewhere else? Do I go to another state, again as I did a few years ago? Do I start a new career? I've talked with someone about a possible career change; however, is it the right thing to do?
So I wonder if anyone will see this and actually take the time to read it. With my luck people I don't want to read this will somehow find it and I'll have to explain myself; I just need a place to let loose! :)
The real question right now is am I really going to hit "publish"? Do I publish and then just bury my posts with some pictures and such with Seahawks pictures because we are going to the SUPERBOWL!!
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